Self-Esteem: Saboteur or Source of Strength?

Drawing from Oasis Singles Blog 

Did you know that what we tell ourselves ABOUT ourselves really matters?  

And that what we choose to BELIEVE of what others say about us, also adds to or damages our self-esteem?

In my 20 years as a psychotherapist, I found that most people who seek a counselor or a coach are telling themselves really self-sabotaging things. But it's not just folks seeking professional help who practice negative self-talk.  

This habit is widespread and can start as early as the preschool years. Parents unintentionally create poor self-esteem in their children when they show too much concern about what others think about superficial things like appearance, or when they constantly compare their kids' behavior to that of others.  It teaches children that other people's opinions and preferences are more important than their own judgment, and that's a fast prescription for a lifetime of low self regard, crippled confidence, and motivational struggles.

Now I don't want to make this a post about parenting. So let's consider how to turn self talk into a source of strength without becoming an egomaniac. Here are my 2 essential first steps:

1.  Get good at quickly challenging your self talk.       When you hear yourself say  I can't... or when you catch yourself making the kind of uncompassionate judgment that you wouldn't dream of issuing on a friend, halt that line of thought immediately. Ask yourself Is that really true?  Most of the time it isn't.  When it is, tell yourself that's just how it is in this moment AND you can change it when you want to.

2.  Admit your talents daily.      It's not self-centered, bad, or bragging to state the truth.  If you make a fantastic cheesecake, own it.  If you have a great eye for putting a wardrobe together, claim it.  If everyone you know comes to you for comfort and encouragement, give your sweet, understanding, open minded spirit the acknowledgment that deserves (that especially may be a rare talent!).  Get in the habit of  reminding yourself once a day  -- out loud, looking in the mirror -- what you are good at, and admit it to others as well.

If you practice these two steps every day, you will start to feel better about yourself.  When you need a little more help, I'd be happy to provide some coaching for a brief period.

How to Flow with Frustration when Life Sends Snow

This is a frustrating morning. My town is blanketed with heavy-wet snow, which is breaking power lines. A quarter of a million people in my region are without power.  I've lost my electricity and internet connection several times already and it's not even 930 am as I start this post.

You could say it's a day that's ripe for overflowing with frustration.

And that got me thinking:  days like this happen to you too.   What if we could flow, not over flow, with it instead? What would have to happen?

Well, we'd have to become immediately detached from outcome.  We'd have to give up worrying  -- today I'll have to give up the worry that the webinar I'm scheduled to present this afternoon won't go on.  We'd have to be ok with not finishing the seemingly important tasks we're engaged in. I'll have to be ok with losing this blog post.

And I'd have to hurry up and take that shower while there's still hot water, and run a load of laundry in case I turn into a refugee from a powerless freezing condo, and double check that credit cards are in my wallet and not on the computer stand, and get my phone and iPod charged, and...and....and...

What's on your hurry up list?

Hmm, wait a second.... going into worst case scenario  / emergency preparedness mode is just another form of overflow.

So close eyes. Deep breath. Ground energy.  Ah, that's better.

Flowing is taking whatever happens as it comes.  It's trusting that all will ultimately be okay, and that we can handle whatever comes up.

This isn't a passive acceptance.  Trusting and not resisting the direction life goes today is hard work. It's a constant struggle to surrender your will to the unstoppable forces around you and stay in the belief that you won't be irreparably harmed by it.  Changed maybe, yes.  But that's a different thing.

Flowing is knowing that the Universe may have different plans for you today than the plan you'd scheduled weeks ago. Flowing is meeting the day with curiosity instead of fear-tinged frustration.

I can do this.  So can you.

Wise Ways to Resist

Taking a cue again from the physical realm where resistance training strengthens muscles, I want to talk today about another type of muscle building that's good for us -- the muscles of creative perception and curiosity.

Do you think of yourself as creative? No?  Why not?

If you're like I used to be, you might be too narrowly defining what "creativity" is.  Maybe you think it's the ability to paint like Parrish, or hold movie-goers spellbound like Spielberg, or write like Rowling.  

These individuals are blessed with talent, yes.  But they also have worked at developing creative perception by exercising a curiosity-based approach to their work.

In some way, consciously or unconsciously, they ask:  What would happen if.......

Asking what would happen if...... is a wise way to begin to resist the mental ruts and emotional traps of assumptions, preconceived expectations, and the other ways we talk ourselves out of seeing the abundance of possibilities in front of us, and the options we have for changing our viewpoint and our life.

Resisting mindless habits, resisting boring or dysfunctional sameness, is good for keeping your mind sharp and your emotions in balance.  Creative alternatives open up when we shift perspective, and begin to see things differently, and try new things.  Creativity itself is all about playing with difference.

Asking what would happen if.... is also a respectfully assertive way to challenge someone else's opinion that things must be a certain way, that their rules or beliefs must be followed without question.  When done with positive curiosity (as opposed to judgmental criticism), it can make good changes in stale relationships, and open the possibility of shifting an imbalance of power.

What I hope you're seeing here is that creativity is as much or more about process as it is about end product. And the magic of the creative process is in how you perceive and where you stand to perceive and how you explore curiosity in interpreting your perceptions.

And all of that is a big exercise in resistance to stuckness.

So, my coaching question for you today is what would happen to your assumption that you aren't creative, if you acted as if you are?  What mental habit or emotional reactivity can you resist today by applying a little creative curiosity?

While you think about that question, here's a little Streisand to provoke new possibilities.

  

Resistance is Good for You

Anyone who has ever joined a gym or worked with a personal trainer knows that resistance training is good for you physically.  I vaguely remember being told that it strengthens bones and builds muscles.


Resistance training is also good for you emotionally.  And spiritually.


That may be a shock to some who have been raised under the dictum to always obey the greater authority of parents, schools, churches, government, etc.


As children our natural resistance to being over controlled was negatively criticized as being rebellious and belligerent.  More recently, kids who resist are getting labelled and medicated for having oppositional defiant disorder.


That sounds pretty serious --  until you know that what it really means is successfully resisting the will of adults in charge that children and teenagers behave in ways that don't bother the grown ups.


Medicating people so that they will not resist the power of those in charge ---hmmm, didn't that used to be just science fiction?


What that value of doing what we're told without question -- of not resisting the will of those more powerful than us -- teaches is what Seligman and Maier called learned helplessness -- a more common cause than we've heard about for depression, passivity and passive aggression, hostility turned inward on oneself, eating disorders, feeling worthless, lacking confidence, being unable to take necessary risks for success, not speaking out in your own defense or reporting abuse, and more -- much of which can lead to thoughts and threats of suicide.


Spiritually, not resisting when we should creates hopelessness, spiritual materialism and spiritual blackmail, mindlessness, lack of empathy, loss of trust, loss of true faith in the possibilities that abound, addiction to religiosities that extol suffering and promise a better life after death.  


Of course there are wise ways to resist, and downright dangerous, stupid, and ineffective ways. I'll write about those next.


Creative Alternatives Coaching Suggestion:


For today, I want to encourage you to just think about what is going on in your life that you don't resist.  Make a list if that helps you see the patterns more easily.  And see if you can recognize how not resisting has contributed to an emotional, relational, financial or spiritual issue that has been bothering you.  


Finding the right things to resist, and the right moments to resist is key.  Identify those now.