Self-Esteem: Saboteur or Source of Strength?

Drawing from Oasis Singles Blog 

Did you know that what we tell ourselves ABOUT ourselves really matters?  

And that what we choose to BELIEVE of what others say about us, also adds to or damages our self-esteem?

In my 20 years as a psychotherapist, I found that most people who seek a counselor or a coach are telling themselves really self-sabotaging things. But it's not just folks seeking professional help who practice negative self-talk.  

This habit is widespread and can start as early as the preschool years. Parents unintentionally create poor self-esteem in their children when they show too much concern about what others think about superficial things like appearance, or when they constantly compare their kids' behavior to that of others.  It teaches children that other people's opinions and preferences are more important than their own judgment, and that's a fast prescription for a lifetime of low self regard, crippled confidence, and motivational struggles.

Now I don't want to make this a post about parenting. So let's consider how to turn self talk into a source of strength without becoming an egomaniac. Here are my 2 essential first steps:

1.  Get good at quickly challenging your self talk.       When you hear yourself say  I can't... or when you catch yourself making the kind of uncompassionate judgment that you wouldn't dream of issuing on a friend, halt that line of thought immediately. Ask yourself Is that really true?  Most of the time it isn't.  When it is, tell yourself that's just how it is in this moment AND you can change it when you want to.

2.  Admit your talents daily.      It's not self-centered, bad, or bragging to state the truth.  If you make a fantastic cheesecake, own it.  If you have a great eye for putting a wardrobe together, claim it.  If everyone you know comes to you for comfort and encouragement, give your sweet, understanding, open minded spirit the acknowledgment that deserves (that especially may be a rare talent!).  Get in the habit of  reminding yourself once a day  -- out loud, looking in the mirror -- what you are good at, and admit it to others as well.

If you practice these two steps every day, you will start to feel better about yourself.  When you need a little more help, I'd be happy to provide some coaching for a brief period.